Forward,
My friends and fellow victims of natural processes, the time has come to take charge of the bodies that are in our possession. No more shall we walk in fear through dark unlit alleyways with an unshakeable nervousness about the location of a useable public restroom. No longer shall we have to stuff an extra pair of shorts into our back pack that is already bursting with books, calculators, and other weapons of the modern age. Let us not be a spectacle for passing cars on the streets that mock our now soiled and festering attire. Our efforts here will parallel the glory and high esteem of any war time general who against all odds pulled through and achieved victory for the country he so adores. The time has come to unite! The time has come to close that evil eye with its condemning stare that inhabits our most sacred place! The time has come to reach to the heavens and pull down what is rightfully ours! Let us cork this demon that only speaks with the tongue of an evil dying swamp! Let our dignity and pride remain untarnished for the rest of our feces bearing lives.
Let us join hands,
Let us arm ourselves with knowledge and venture out into the harsh world with confidence. We know where the danger lies. Whether it be a routine walk of the dog after a bowl of grandma's homemade chili or a drunken voyage through a hotel in Las Vegas after a gluttonous buffet--the sudden inspiration of full rectal release can and will strike without warning. In these moments of complete hostility and despair, it is of the up most importance to always keep your cool and to have a preconceived game plan on how to handle such a volatile situation. Here are some very useful pointers on how to prevent tragedy from spewing through the dark crevices of your underpants.
The Preparation
1. You are what you eat.
This is easy enough to understand but it cannot be emphasized enough. If you commit to a diet that is only suitable for a rabies infected adolescent squirrel, you will be turning your intestines into the most hostile of battle grounds. Imagine a beach riddled with the bodies of freshly slain martyrs resting in a mixture of blood, sand, steam, and oil--ready to be flushed to the next dimension, this is what you have created. With this in mind, it is important to eat a balanced diet consisted of all the items in that fucked up little triangle that everyone seems to adore. Stay away from eating food that is lubricated in the fatty fluids of furry unnamed beasts that have no business replenishing your body's cell count. Eat your greens, eat your fruits, and drink moderate amounts of water. This preparation will make the next steps exponentially more achievable.
2. Fashion vs. Function.
It is important to always be comfortable in the clothing items that you choose to dress yourself in. From head to toe, it is vital to your survival that your configuration serves some sort of purpose. Do not wear a belt that is so tight that it causes your stomach to rub against your spine for an extended period of time. This will cause unwanted tension and could rile up the evil that may be brewing in your stomach. Do not wear baggy pants as they will inhibit your movement when you may need your legs the most. Wear comfortable shoes that you can walk and run in without any problems. Try not to carry too much luggage around with you as it will prove to be dead weight and a catalyst for frustration.
Although sunglasses may prove useful in hiding the frightened look in your eyes when you barge into a local restaurant seeking sanctuary, they will most likely get damaged or lost in these dire circumstances.
Note: If you happen to have a sensitivity to sunlight or find the dynamic of wearing sunglasses comforting, feel free to not heed my advice here and wear them. Items that provide mental focus will always be condoned.
3. Know your surroundings. This is one of the most important steps in this strategy for not soiling yourself. Always know where you are and where you are going. If disaster strikes on a familiar route home, do yourself a favor and know where all the public restrooms are. If you live in an urban area where there is a plethora of chain fast food restaurants available, you are in luck for most of the people who work in these establishments could care less about who happens to wander into their facilities. Most urban areas are also populated by numerous gas stations that will have a public restroom available. Be careful with such facilities as gas stations tend to only have one stall available at a time so the decision to take refuge in such a place is a gamble. There is no feeling worse than thinking that you have reached the Promised Land only to realize that you are going to have to wait even longer for the bastard or bastards that are ahead of you. Also, be aware that these facilities always tend to be filthier than your average Burger King restroom so be prepared for the worse. Do not count on a small non-chain restaurant for help either as some of them only offer their facilities to paying customers. In these situations it would be wise to carry some spare change with you to buy a tortilla or bowl of rice to gain access to their toilet—yes I know, those stingy motherfuckers. If it happens to be that there are no such establishments on your route, look at other sources for release. Public libraries tend to have well groomed restrooms (depending on your area) and grocery stores and retail outlets such as Best Buy tend to have good facilities as well. Knocking on a stranger’s door in a densely populated housing area is definitely a bad idea unless you happen to somehow be acquainted with its inhabitants. The tension that will accompany any such social interaction where your fate will be decided by a simple yes or no is usually too much for any person to bear, especially when the inhabitant is standing behind a rusted screen door wearing nothing but a bathrobe, exposing his lumpy chest. We must be calculated in these tough situations and leave nothing to chance. You see, while you wait for the person to answer the door you might actually convince yourself that this gamble will work resulting in an elated state of consciousness. This false feeling of happiness will be your undoing. When they ultimately say no, you can bet on your rectal cavities widening in attempt to rid you of the bad vibrations the socially awkward experience has just implanted on your person. If you know for a fact that you will be traveling in an area that has no public restroom, you must plan ahead. Eat well (see number 1), take a laxative a few days before, make sure to force out any and all items that may trouble you beforehand so that there are no surprises on your journey. If you happen to be out on a nature walk in some remote location, feel free to consider the surroundings as an open invitation for you to fertilize with your now digested entrails.
In the heat of Battle
4. The Build Up. Before any real trouble actually begins, it is important to pay attention to the messages that your body is attempting to communicate. You may not have to go at this very instant, but perhaps you have had that bubbling feeling in your belly all morning but paid no attention to it. Perhaps you had a heavy
steak dinner the night before and you've had a dull ache nestled in your side for the majority of your afternoon. Perhaps, you're just socially inept and cannot bring yourself to using a public restroom and feel that it is more appropriate to wait until you have arrived at home. Whatever the case may be, the more aware you are of the messages your body is sending you, the easier it will be to plan your escape through the pending roller coaster of emotions you are about to experience.
5. Battle Stations. So here we are. Glutes flexed, hands made fists, beads of sweat collecting on your forehead, and your stride has come to a standstill. Fear has invaded your soul and all you can see is disaster. Don't panic, take a deep breath, closse your eyes and visualize--you will survive. What we must understand is that our bodies are wonderful machines, crafted through numerous years of evolution and trial and error. Have faith in the machine that is in your possession, it is yours to control. When the rebellious solids come knocking on the back door there is one piece of advice here that will save your life.
Do not run, it will be the end of you.
This may seem unintuitive to you at the moment but I can assure you that running with intestines full of shit is a very bad idea. It will only aggravate that barrier between your innards and the outside world. It will increase the sensation of having to poop tenfold and make your journey exponentially more difficult. I will say it again, please do not run. Walk. Walk with the authority of a person who has lived a life of good deeds and moral activism. Walk with infallible integrity and self-fortitude. Walk as if your good nature is contagious and your mere presence alone will inspire world peace. This is only the first wave of many more to come, stay strong, you will be victorious.
6. Speaking of Waves For reasons I do not know, it seems to be the case that when in battle with feces, the muscles that we must appease only seem to be able to contract for so long before they retreat and prepare for another unannounced assault. This is unlike the persistent ache of having to urinate which seems to never go away no matter how you attempt to cope with the situation. Here is where you have to be smart. After you have survived the first wave, you must quicken your pace to your desired location. The mantra of not running still holds true here in these circumstances, but it is relatively safe to change your pace to a brisk walk. Know though that with every pending wave that you must conquer, it will become increasingly harder and harder to hold back the deadly mudslide. Know that with every victory comes the viciousness of retaliation as the evil inside you will only grow more ferocious and uncompromising. This is why it is important to be aware of your surroundings so that you do not have to deal with more than one or two waves of force. Dispel the enemy at the quickest opportunity and you will surely secure victory. You may also find that with each wave that the urge to urinate also increases. This is where you have to adjust your pace with how your body is reacting to the pressure. If the wave of poo is coming, slow down. If the wave has retreated and the rush of urine comes, increase your rate. A faster pace seems to help weaken the urge to urinate. If everything happens to come at once, well, I'm sorry. Your only hope is to sprint off into oblivion hoping for either death or some element of divine intervention. 7. Last resorts. If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation where you have achieved victory over many perilous waves and you still have not found your place of safety, there are a few techniques that may
prove useful to you. Sitting down provides a natural barrier between your poo and humiliation. This position can also provide you with a feeling of security which will better your chances of survival of the current wave. A more extreme version of this seating process involves sitting on the back of your heel. Yes. Sit on your heel with all of your weight. You would be surprised how well the back of your heel will fit in this region. Shoes with thick padding on the heel will inhibit this action so be careful of this. While you are in this position it would be a good idea to untie your shoe and loosen up the bindings that cover the tongue. Slowly and with the gaze of patient monk, tie your shoes all the way back to the top. This process may seem silly but in the end it all comes down to mental focus and how we can distract our minds from the pain inside us.
Conclusion Now that we have covered all the important basics, it is time to apply what we have learned to the entirety of our daily lives. Let the knowledge that we have acquired act as a nurturing metaphor for our entire existence. Let us never fail to prepare our souls for the shit the world will be throwing our way. Let us realize that we shall not shit on the world for its crimes against us. Let us make this world one united joyful porcelain monolith, where our flesh can rest easy with the security and hope that such a device ultimately provides. Indeed, this is not meant to be the end all discussion for preventing self-defecation but simply a starting point for preserving a person's dignity. We are creatures of the eternal light who will not be caught wallowing with the likes of dumb beasts who eat their own feces and use it as projectiles. We will march forward into the future with confidence, self-control, and humility.
God speed, and good luck.