Score: 4/10
As I sit here and attempt to put words to my thoughts, I feel as if I need to make a quick confession in order to keep my soul honest.
I hate movies like this.
I hate movies like this like I hate fast food and two dollar porno flicks from the thrift store down the street. The purpose is simple really. They massage my emotions when all self-respect has been lost and when I get a bit tired of the day's quieter parts. It's also there to remind my taste buds of the charred flavor of death when the nightly news no longer suffices. And, when it's over, all I'm left with is a belly full of evil, a pillow full of tears, and arthritis in both wrists. This vacuum of consciousness is no terrain for a human being to live and no source of nourishment for a film to be created.
And yet it seems to happen all the time.
These types of movies roll out of an assembly line like chicken nuggets roll out of the Devil's lard crusted perineum and into a McDonald's Happy Meal. They sell by the boatloads and people keep coming back for more because what else are they going to do? It seems like we have been violently coerced into adopting certain types of decision-making processes that inhibit us from fully realizing the creative beings that we are. Why eat crap when we can create from scratch a meal that is worthy and fit for a king? If it was up to me, we would all butcher our own animals and bathe ourselves in their bloody entrails in order to fully appreciate the carnage that is required to get that perfect hamburger patty or center cut rib eye.
Some might respond to this hatefulness by stating that these movies are not meant to be taken too seriously—that these movies are innocuous attempts at brainless slapstick humor and that critiquing them with such a critical eye would be a waste of time. The movie itself seems to be making excuses for its own mediocrity when the police chief reveals their intentions to revamp an old undercover operation from the 1980s simply because they're all out of ideas. Well, boohoo, I'm sorry, I don't happen to believe in excuses or shitty storytelling, especially when it comes to film.
There's just too much to forgive in this movie. This film is as sterile as a Star Wars prequel and rolls out the comedic punch lines without any consideration to character development or film pacing. The first several minutes of this film is a sprint through Jonah Hill's and Channing Tatum's single dimensional characters where they go from being complete strangers in high school to best buds in the police academy. Their characters are, of course, polar opposites with Hill's character being the standard geeky nerd type while Tatum is the jock athlete with the brains and emotional disposition of a drunken toddler. They take advantage of each other's strengths in both the academy and in the field where they have been given the responsibility of locating the suppliers of a dangerous drug which has been circulating a local high school. All this is fine and dandy but because the film chooses to rush through all these elements in what might be one of the fastest plot developments in cinematic history and the audience is left mostly confused and discombobulated.
Movies regardless of the genre are about setting up devices for emotional involvement. If the audience is not invested in what they are viewing on screen, then the battle is already lost. Unfortunately, there will always be those who go to movies just for the gimmicks. Whether it be the shapely female who happens to get fucking naked or some ridiculous and sick humor involving two males fingering each other in the mouth in order to purge themselves from some toxin germinating in their bellies—oh, wait, that happens in this movie; there are those who continue to add fuel to the fires of hell.
When there is no attachment to the characters on the screen, they simply become walking bags of flesh meant to be tormented and abused for absolutely no reason other than our own twisted and acidic appetites. I bet you never thought of that did you? You never thought of yourself as someone who wished the worse kind of harm to poor innocents for the slightest sensation of joy on your prickly tongue. And while you and your amigos give each other reach-arounds with ketchup lubed palms, film producers everywhere are feasting on dollar cheeseburgers with metal teeth and sweaty underbellies while sitting on their fat wallets. I know this might seem like a bit of an exaggeration but I can assure you that it is not. You are destroying the essential decency of mankind's creative nature and replacing it with a soulless automated wit machine.
Fuck, the only genuine moments in this movie come from the interactions from some poor actress by the name of Brie Larson. She plays Hill's love interest in the movie which is quite odd considering she's in fucking high school. Although I guess this is acceptable because she's eighteen and is about the graduate—that is, I hope she is eighteen, who knows. Not I said the brown cow. Her presence validates some of the madness that is occurring on screen but, of course, the movie has to ruin it at every opportunity. I mean, I guess the ridiculous car chase scene with Hill dressed up as Peter Pan is a decent way to create drama and humor at the same time, but there is still no real investment from the audience in Hill’s character. Are we supposed to like him because Hill plays the same dumbass in every single movie? Does dressing him up in a Peter Pan costume and having him go on a dangerous police chase warrant some kind of emotional connection with the hardships that he is experiencing on screen?
Let’s go on a relevant tangent shall we?
1994’s Dumb and Dumber featured a similar dynamic of two twisted characters that go on a mission to return a briefcase to a woman that Jim Carey drove to the airport. The opening sequence of this movie introduces us to Jim’s work life, his ability to interact on a social level, and his choice of friends. Through these opening scenes it is established that, yes—he is a bit of a goof but we also know that Jim’s character is honest, speaks his mind, and for the most part quite trustworthy as exemplified by the old woman who steals his case of beer and beef jerky by the porno stand while Jim went to retrieve more coin. When Jim and his friend Harry, played by Jeff Daniels, are sitting in their ghetto living room and Jim begins to spill his heart out that he is tired of “being a nobody”, it is entirely believable. We trust in what we are experiencing because we bear a first-hand account of the state that his life is in. He has no job, a single solitary friend who is just as retarded as he is, no family, and no future to work towards to. We want to see him succeed because that’s how humans work. We tend to favor the happy ending, especially when the one who gets to be the hero is a complete idiot because hey, if they can achieve success why can’t I? The movie does go on to entertain us with its silliness but more importantly it takes the time to keep reminding us that these characters are indeed human beings with real motivations and hardships. When this process is successful the humor that the movie is trying to present becomes even more humorous.
I suppose it might also be worth mentioning that there is indeed a bad guy in 21 Jump Street played by James Franco's younger brother Dave Franco—well, maybe not because he's about as bad as a preschool lunch time bully. His presence in the movie is merely a catalyst for Hill and Tatum's crazed antics and for the ensuing drama with their bromance. Other noteworthy bad guys? Well, there’s the track coach who happens to be the drug supplier that gets shot in the gonads during the film's climax which I suppose is funnier than say getting kicked with a steel toe boot. Oh, sorry for the spoiler, I should have given fair warning.
Speaking of getting shot, Johnny Depp makes a cameo appearance as an undercover officer, reprising his role from the original television series 21 Jump Street. Oh yeah, spoilers, right...next time. I am curious as to the reasons for Mr. Depp’s appearance in this movie. Was he simply trying to give the legion of 21 Jump Street fans a special treat or perhaps just his own personal entourage? I can’t say Mr. Depp’s appearance in this film does anything for me other than wish someone would pay me a few million dollars for starring in a film for approximately four minutes—shit, I could even perform some sort of soliloquy as well if need be.
There’s nothing really else to say about this movie besides the obvious—this movie gives me indigestion. The movie is too preoccupied with its neurotic tendencies which push line after line of fecal matter through its overly stimulated colon. But hey, who am I to judge right? If you happen to like this kind of humor then so be it.
Enjoy. Feast.
Just make sure to wash it down with plenty of water or else you may find yourself clamped down on the toilet for the next few days trying to rid yourself of the fatty molasses that is lubricating the walls of your intestines and turning your heart into a ball of hardened plague.