Adventure running (a race containing obstacles, fire, and soon tear gas) certainly seems like a bad time waiting to happen. I mean, who in their right minds would willing toss themselves into a pool of mud, climb a fifty-foot wooden triangle built by a deranged boy scout, and then proceed to jump over a pile of burning logs?
Truth be told, these sorts of races have been growing in popularity for the last decade and they certainly don’t show any sign of slowing. For those of you who prefer to stay indoors (like me) and suffer from social anxiety, here are the 10 kinds of people you will likely encounter at such an event, that is, if you ever decide to leave the safety of your home.
1. The Loner
Although you may hear the pitter-patter of their feet as they sprint past you, these individuals are often times hard to spot. Sometimes if you scan the field of participants closely, you’ll see them attempting to blend in with the crowd, studying each and every obstacle as they devise a plan of attack with a perpetual smirk strewn across their face.
In summary, this person is an absolute weirdo and should be avoided at all costs. You think I’m joking, but I’m really not. What kind of neurotic pays a hundred dollars to run an obstacle course by himself, racing against himself, and then quietly leaves without obtaining his free beer? The Jeffrey Dahmer type does and the Jeffrey Dahmer type does not play well with others.
If you find yourself face to face with one of these sorts, keep your head down and remain completely still--his vision is based on movement.
2. The Corporate Getaway
Every job has one: the super fit boss with a ton of energy who eats right and is equipped with teeth white enough to be on television. When everyone at your job isn’t trying to murder one another to get ahead, you will have to deal with this person, and god forbid he sees you eating fast food--for your enjoyment of the meal will be stamped out with a lengthy lecture on free radicals and how you’re going to die of cancer. Yikes.
Then one day, in attempt to earn the respect of his boss, some out of shape intern sends a company-wide email entitled “Hey guys let’s do one of these!” with a link to some crazy mud run. The boss, who at this point is properly elated and losing his breath, shouts at his desk in agreement and responds with a “Hell yes!” whilst banging out a reply on his keyboard.
Two months later you will see them all wearing the same awful jersey being led around by the boss in a series of warm-up stretches. Everyone is super excited to be there (Lie) and the boss just can’t wait to get started. In the end, someone is guaranteed a sprained ankle, a bruised knee, and a hurt ego—all at the expense of moving up the corporate ladder. Too bad they don’t realize the company is about to be downsized.
3. Huge Group of Girls
And you thought they were only dangerous at the club—or maybe I’m being too harsh. This group doesn't necessarily pose a risk, that is, unless they all go tumbling down the mountain side together and, you know, you just so happen to be in their path. No, there's nothing really inherently dangerous about this group at all.
They are easy enough to spot, as they will likely be running together, taking selfies, and taking great care in making sure every single one of their friends is accounted for at all times. This sort of behavior tends to create bottlenecks throughout the course so be aware if you decide to take flight and start running six minute miles for there will be a group of these chattering birds every hundred yards or so.
To tell you the truth, it would be rather nice to be part of this group, simply because of the overwhelming support structure they form. This group is dead serious about their teamwork. I saw a hundred-pound girl supporting her friend and all of her excess as she attempted a wall climb by offering her back as a support mechanism. Needless to say, I heard her neck was stuck in that position for the remainder of the race and the doctors have declared her inoperable.
4. The Sponsored
This is the truly athletic group and in a way they piss me off the most. I mean, here I am throwing away my hard earned money on ticket entries and team jerseys and these people just waltz in wearing their colorful head to toe attire completely free of charge. Hell, I hear some of these people even get paid to be a running advertisement. Son of a bitch.
But how can I complain? I really can't complain. These are the people we all secretly aspire to be. You see, we all want to be walking-talking good looking advertisements with chiseled abs and thick booties—even if we don’t want to admit it.
These are the groups who tend to get the most attention as they trot along the race, blowing past every obstacle and growing more attractive with every scratch and blotch of mud on their skin. Maybe I’ll get lucky and have one of them break their fall on me—guy or girl, doesn’t matter. Bring it on.
5. The Child and the Sadist
Although these races are meant to be competitive, they’re also meant to be fun. However, a quick look at YouTube and you will quickly see that many of the obstacles are rather dangerous and you might start to wonder if anyone has ever died. Oh yes, people have died, but I can assure you that such a thing is a very rare occurrence. You are, however, more likely to contract E. coli or some other nasty virus from the mud pits. Remember people, there is a reason why public pools are pumped full of chlorine—so keep your mouths shut while traversing through.
And despite these dangers, you will still see that parent and their only child trekking the course--one obstacle at a time. God only knows what other kinds of bizarre punishments this parent makes their child undertake when they’re not dragging them through barbed wire Vietnam crawls for everyone to see.
I suppose it’s some sort of character building exercise. In the parent’s mind, they’re probably thinking they’re teaching their child self-reliance, courage, and endurance—all of which is perfectly fine, but what good is self-reliance when your child is dead? I suppose if your child somehow loses a few limbs along the way, self-reliance will be a very valuable skill to have, but I’d rather keep my own flesh and blood out of harm’s way.
6. The Married Couple
Whether they’re newlyweds, or she’s just had a baby, or he’s having a mid-life crisis, the underlying reason for this pair is still the same: I’ve still got it and I’m going to prove it. While their efforts valiant and their intentions pure, I still can’t help but feel a little sorry for this group.
You’ll often see some aging stud attempting to run up a hill, only to hear the call of his wife echoing through the mountain side. "Don't leave me!" she cries out, but he doesn't hear her and he never will.
In another case, you might see the wife counting aloud as her husband performs the penalty burpees for being unable to do the wall climb due to his beer belly. She’ll be there counting each and everyone to make sure he doesn’t cheat like he cheated on her (Ouch!). Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll work it out.
I suppose everyone has something to prove, but it’s never as obvious as it is with this group. The way they look at each other as they pass each obstacle makes me want to drown myself in a pool of Red Bull. This “Power Couple”, as they like to call themselves, might be the most annoying of the group simply because they’re constantly seeking approval from everyone there. Sorry folks, no one cares that you can climb up a hill carrying a bucket of rocks all by yourself—even if you did just have a baby.
7. The Free Loader
Every race has them and life itself is full of them. Just the other day I was driving on my way to work when a couple of women on the street sprinted up to my car and let themselves in. Before I could say a word, they pointed straight ahead and screamed at the top of their lungs “Follow that car!”, so I did--but that's a story for another time.
These are the kind of people who simply show up. Many of them just happen to be local runners looking for a workout or perhaps get lucky with one of the peeps from the Sponsored group. They show up, walk past security, and simply run with the rest of the pack.
Most of these events have very little staff so stopping this group is close to impossible which allows them to run the race without anyone even noticing. Even at the end of the race when the staff members attempt to check wristbands, they run on by, straight to the bar and then back to whatever ditch they came from.
8. The Creepy Cyborg
This is the gentleman or woman who decides to wear every piece of tech he owns for the race. He’s easy to spot as there will likely be a camera fastened to his skull, chest, or sometimes even both. There will likely be a big fat watch on his wrist as well so that he may keep track of his progress and share it with the world on Facebook as soon as he gets reception on his cell phone.
This person also tends to run with a group but will most definitely be bringing up the rear so he may capture everything and everyone during his run. Be careful if you happen to be in front of this person, especially during the crawling events as he will most be definitely be recording your assets as you attempt to keep the skin on your dome safe from the barbed wire.
Don’t think you’re safe either if you keep your distance. These modern cameras, equipped with high-tech lenses, are quite adept at capturing images from a wide angle so they are more than capable of fish eyeing your physique from forty or so yards away.
9. The Party Animal
This is another one to watch out for. This one more than likely will be hyped up on all sorts of hallucinogens and various muscle relaxers and hungry for a good time. This group will normally be covered head to toe in tribal tattoos and many of them often dress up as some sort of Keltic warrior complete with war paint and nappy hair. This sort of person in a normal setting wouldn’t be someone to worry about as running is always a good escape plan, but the ones who show up to these sort of events also happen to be in incredibly good shape. No, we must find a way to trick them somehow.
You’re best option is to simply create some sort of distraction for him/her. Pro tip: if one of these raggedy animals happens to be giving you trouble, just point behind him and shout “Omg is that Andrew W.K?” and proceed to watch him sprint off into the nothingness.
10. The Motivator
The last person you’ll likely encounter is The Motivator. This is the guy or gal who is pumped and ready to play Good Samaritan for all his peers. They arrive on the scene shaking hands with as many people as they possibly can and right away begin to hand out freebies in the form of advice. “Are you well hydrated? Have you done one of these before? Me? Oh, I’ve done tons!” And they aren’t kidding either.
These are the ones who blow past every obstacle and then simply hang around, lending a helping hand to everyone behind them. Because their bodies and souls are overflowing with energy, they feel the need to channel that energy into everyone else because to them, it’s just the right thing to do. Unfortunately, they’re also incredibly annoying. It’s bad enough to have your own teammates shouting at you as you climb some terrible wall, but to have a stranger’s words crawl all over your skin is a million times worse. In addition to their verbal assault, these fine people who wait at every obstacle to come to your aide will more than likely do so by laying their filthy hands on some part of your body—so proceed with caution and remember: Nothing in life is free.