Spoilers!
Even though I do not consider myself a science fiction buff, or a movie buff, or any kind of buff for that matter (except maybe the staying at home and getting fat kind of buff), I’d like to think that I have been exposed to enough science fiction over the years to appreciate the subtle nuances that the genre use to be known for.
Now I understand that some of you fine people out there in the world could care less about subtleties and would rather spend your hard earned money at the theater watching giant robots run amuck smashing cities and occasionally saving a few people and I can assure you there’s nothing wrong with that. I myself rather enjoy these sorts of movies from time to time, but every once in a while I long for a movie that purposely takes it’s time and lures me in with a compelling story and a believable cast of characters I can wholeheartedly become invested in. They don’t come very often, but when they do, I find myself wandering the streets at night smoking an e-cigarette (nicotine free of course) while sipping from a bottle of purified water, re-thinking my life and what I thought was possible and impossible. It’s a change of pace we sometimes need and my hope was that Transcendence could provide such a break. But, of course, I was wrong. I was dead wrong.
You see, Transcendence is a movie so purposefully packed to the brim with subtleties that it can barely get its flabby booty out of the chair, onto its feet, and to the fridge for another serving of ice cream. It is a movie so greedy for your attention and so infatuated with its own self-worth that I found myself gagging from dehydration. Yes, it is true, this movie nearly gave me a panic attack and I feel that I must warn any movie goer who might happen to stumble into this movie looking for a good time, because you won't find it.
The problem with Transcendence is its utter lack of urgency. The movie never really establishes the idea of what we are seeing on screen is actually important. Johnny Depp stars as the film’s main focal point and plays the part of Will Caster, a down to earth science nerd who is on the brink of inventing the first free thinking super-computer. We learn in the first few moments of the film that this super-computer will possess an artificial intelligence with an intellect far greater than the combined intellect of every human being that has ever existed on planet earth. Unfortunately for Johnny Depp, and Transcendence, his character is killed off by a group of anti-technology radicals called R.I.F.T before we have even become properly acquainted. In the wake of these events, we’re left with a slew of underwritten characters played by actors that you will most likely recognize—so many in fact that it actually becomes a distraction.
What does that mean you ask? If you have watched any blockbusters from the last seven or eight years or so you will undoubtedly recognize most of the faces appearing on the screen. This becomes a bit of a distraction because it sets up the expectation that the film might have a specific and meaningful purpose for said actors—but they don’t. Preferably, these actors/actresses should have been played by faces that we don’t recognize so that we could better tune them out. It certainly doesn’t help either that the writers chose to create the most stereotypical and archetypical characters you could possibly imagine. Another FBI agent with a bullet proof vest and sunglasses? Check. Hillbillies in overalls? Check. The creatives behind the scenes even enlisted Kate Mara of House of Cards fame to play another rebellious journalist type sporting that same stoic face. Oh, and then there’s Morgan Freeman, playing Morgan Freeman, again—son of a bitch.
After Mr. Depp is killed off, his wife attempts to use his own technology to save his intellect by transferring it over to a computer. Of course, this doesn’t go so well as his wife obviously hasn’t seen any of the Terminator movies or else she would know that computers and intellects do not play nice. She is successful in her transfer of Mr. Depp’s consciousness and for the next hour and a half of the movie some stuff happens that doesn’t really matter. Okay fine, so maybe the radical group that killed Mr. Depp set out to kill him again, only this time they are after his digital self. And then there’s something about digital Depp fiddling with the banks, giving his wife an absurd amount of money, and then they go and invest in some real estate out in the middle of nowhere to do some renovations (aka set up a super-secret experimental laboratory where people seem to be able to go in and out on their own will) —yea, real exciting stuff.
On top of its lack of urgency and its unimaginative cast of characters, Transcendence biggest mistake is its swift muting of its strongest asset: Johnny Depp. Some of you at this point may be saying “Wait! Johnny Depp is in the whole movie!” which is sort of true, only the computer representation of Johnny Depp is so one dimensional and placid that it begs the question of whether or not they really needed high caliber actor such as Mr. Depp on the movie’s payroll. Then again, would anyone really see this movie if Johnny boy wasn’t in it? My guess is probably not, considering that even with Mr. Depp’s name attached to this train wreck it only earned eleven million dollars domestically on its opening weekend. Digital Depp doesn’t really accomplish a damn thing in this movie, besides being an overly attached dead husband and a creeper. I mean who wants to eat dinner in a dark room with a ten-foot image of their dead spouse plastered on the wall—certainly not I.
Besides this movie’s dedication to stifling the only talent in its possession, the plot itself at times seems so frivolous and ill-conceived that I found myself going “Huh?” every few seconds just to release some of the stress building in my poor little head. As I said before, there is a big chunk of this movie where nothing really happens at all. You see, once digital Depp becomes a creepy portrait on the wall, the whole film centers around R.I.F.T attempting to organize some sort of assault on Depp’s new research facility he created in Hick Ville. This research facility also happens to possess the capacity of curing every human being on earth of all their physical and mental ailments through the use of his custom made nano-machines.
Digital Depp’s lab is so sophisticated that it can even bring people back to life as long as they haven’t been dead for too long I suppose. Sounds like a wonderful thing right? There’s a catch though. Once Digital Depp and his miracle nano-machines go to work in your body, Depp’s own consciousness becomes embedded within you. This gives Depp the ability to take control of the patient whenever he feels like it. It’s a scary thought and is one of the main reasons as to why R.I.F.T seeks to bring Depp down. I mean, an entity with that much power is obviously liable to commit more and more dangerous acts. So dangerous in fact that R.I.F.T enlists the help of multiple international agencies poised on defeating Depp and his new army of worker bees before the situation gets too out of hand, only they don’t. I mean, the threat level from such an institution would surely garner the attention of say the United States military who would surely bomb the shit out of such a facility, or at least make a concerted effort tax the hell out of it.
No, R.I.F.T doesn’t do any of this. Instead, they decide to enlist the help of a few of Depp’s colleagues, some of them against their will. They decide in a very Independence Day fashion that the best way to finish off Digital Depp is to implant a virus into his system. In order to accomplish this, they build an elaborate tunnel system underneath Depp’s facility where they plan to stage a surprise attack. Their goal is to capture one of Depp’s drones into a copper cage where they can engineer a virus from the victims source code--or something like that.
I tell you, this portion of the film almost stressed my brain to the point of an immediate illicit outburst. This R.I.F.T organization I dare say was no more then maybe twelve people with a few machine guns, and one old as shit artillery cannon from WW2. With such a heavy-handed threat facing planet Earth, where was everyone else? Where was Obama attempting to smooth talk Digital Depp into some sort of diplomatic solution? Where was the Westboro Baptist church picketing on the outside of the facilities’ gates as they proclaimed all visitors instruments of Satan? The facility was not a secret for very long as people were taking buses, buses for crying out loud to the facility to get operated on. No, instead R.I.F.T decided to handle it themselves, all twelve of them and that damn artillery cannon.
In the end it all sort of works out I suppose. R.I.F.T manages to upload the virus to the now physical Depp (oh yea he’s back now in the flesh) through the use of physical contact with his wife. The fine people at R.I.F.T lose their cool and put that artillery cannon to good use only they end up mortally wounding poor Depp’s wife and they somehow both die. As much as I would have liked to bash this movie from beginning to end, I have to admit the final moments of this film did have some feels and if there is anything to be learned from this film it's this: You can make a girl’s wildest dreams come true, but, in the end, she will still hate you.